How to be a soulless Beltway pundit.

You give Donald Trump an A for his debate performance for being “cool-headed and sedate” (read: not talking about penises), “counterpunching the bare minimum” (read: not demeaning rivals’ penises), and “tout[ing] his favorite broad themes” (read: white grievance). “Critics will howl,” the Beltway pundit concludes, “but, specifics aside, he sounded sufficiently reasonable and generally informed to win the nomination.” Those “specifics,” in case you were wondering, include endorsing beating up “bad dudes” at his rallies, displaying a shaky knowledge of the U.S.’s relations with Cuba, calling for a quick ground war with Iraq, and claiming Islam is full of “tremendous hatred.”