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Blotto Boxford Bovines Boost Booze

From an alert Study tipster comes harrowing news out of Boxford, Massachusetts, where a “roving group of cows” burst into a backyard party and “bullied the guests for their beer.” The cows, which had roamed far from their pastures, were spotted by police officers on a Boxford resident’s front lawn. When discovered, all six cows “high-tailed it for the backyard,” where they chased off partygoers, “knocked the beer cans over on a table,” and “were lapping up what spilled.” As Boxford recovers from this horrifying event, we turn to science to ask the questions left in the cows’ wake: Will this drinking binge affect their milk production?

A study from Missouri Western State University suggests it might. The point of the study was “to see if dairy cows would produce more milk if they were stimulated with music and fed beer with their daily supply of feed.” Tests demonstrated that, in fact, any change in the cows’ environment resulted in greater milk production. And because they have complex stomachs that can break down alcohol, the cows “did not get tipsy.” That’s encouraging for milk production, yes, but it portends a future in which marauding cows, immune to the incapacitating effects of binge drinking, terrorize a potentially-endless series of backyard get-togethers. As you gather with loved ones this Memorial Day weekend, then, stay vigilant: Your next picnic or cookout could be the target of ruthless bovine thuggery.